I always viewed myself as having had a keener interest in the Christian religion than my classmates at school. I listened intently to the pastor’s explanations at our religion lessons on Friday mornings while my classmates mostly acted bored or even tried to disrupt the lessons to get attention. In church services, I tried to listen attentively and gain some kind of benefit from the rather rigid, formal rituals. There were some Christian kids at school who had something different about them, but I must admit at the time I was too shallow and thought it would be uncool to go to any of their meetings.

My first conscious experience of the Holy Spirit was at a weekly youth event at my university about 13 years ago. I had intensified my search for a deeper meaning behind Christianity since my older brother came back from a semester at his university and claimed he could speak in tongues. My mom, coming from a faithful Christian but highly conservative Lutheran family, was taken aback. I remember feeling ambivalent at the time, but my curiosity was triggered and it later turned to frustrated longing.

I wanted to experience something deeper than what I had seen as Christianity so far. Little did I know I was actually looking for a living relationship with Jesus. During my school years, I had times where I would sit at my desk in my room for hours on end, reading the Bible and copying out passages, praying and trying to sift out the meaning of the verses. At times, I had a measure of revelation, but not at a level I was really happy with.

I suppose my greatest problem was that I wasn’t happy with myself. How could anyone else be happy with me if I didn’t like myself? How could God be happy with me at all? I was extremely aware of my shortcomings and I now know that I’m by nature an overly sensitive person, which puts me in constant danger of living by my feelings.

Anyway, I was doing my law degree Natal  University, South Africa, when  a school mate of my brother’s invited me to their weekly Christian youth meeting. I suppose I would have been more reluctant to go if my brother hadn’t agreed to go too. The tone of the event was very charismatic, influenced by the Toronto Blessing that was in full swing at the time. The participants were singing worship songs as I came in. I don’t remember if I sang too. The head of the youth movement preached a message I don’t recall and then he announced a time of praying for each other. My brother’s school mate and another girl came up to me and asked it they could pray for me. I felt it was the right thing to do. While we prayed, he told me he felt I had to let go of some people I had something against. I knew it was my parents and brothers. For reasons I couldn’t understand (or perhaps I had refused to analyse) I had built up enourmous feelings of bitterness and anger towards them. As I told God I was willing to let go of them, I felt a lightness come over my head and shoulders. It was as if a blanket was coming down but at the same time a weight was being lifted off me. Immediately, I was able to worship Jesus in a way I was unable to before. I felt happier than I had ever been and released into a new consciousness even though I felt fully in control of my senses and mind.

I must mention here that, looking back, I don’t think my letting go of my parents was a prerequisite for receiving the Baptism of the Holy Spirit or subsequent fillings. That part is a free gift for anyone who asks and earnestly seeks after Him. I think, the word of knowledge that was spoken was to get my attention and my response signified a step towards receiving the blessing. I think it happens to each person in a different way.

In the wake of that first encounter, I had experiences in the subsequent weeks and months (perhaps years) that I viewed as extraordinary and totally different from anything I had experienced before. I began speaking in tongues a couple of weeks later – I was rather disappointed about the simplicity of the sounds, but I was so elated by everything else that happened, that I was willing to give God the benefit of the doubt. . Sure enough, I speak in various tongues, I sing and chant in the Spirit these days! Other activities involved crying, dancing, shouting, walking in circles, guidance by peace and what I now call “driving under the influence” (I’ll explain later). Although to onlookers it might have seemed that I was in a trance, I was always fully conscious – usually I was all too self-conscious because of my low self-esteem. But because others were doing it too, I didn’t mind as much. Thinking back, perhaps I also used it to boost my image – I am definitely still “of this world” in many respects…

Over the years, the God blessed me with various manifestations of the Sprit’s Gifts. I can’t quite tell, if there is a specific one I am more proficient in, but I find prophecy, words of knowledge and tongues and interpretation are very interesting. Different people will obviously be fascinated by different Gifts.

The things that happened did not originate in my mind. My mind was aware of what was happening and I think understanding with the mind in light of the Bible is critical so that we don’t get mislead. But the most profound impact I think my experience had on me was make me aware of the reality of God. I am so thankful that I can feel His love! It is something that goes beyond what the mind can comprehend and yet it is so REAL!

I had feelings of ecstatical, delirious in-loveness with Jesus. I remember sitting on the sidewalk in from of one of the lecture halls, smiling blissfully, talking to Him, feeling as if it was just Him and me in the whole world that mattered. My life has never been the same again.

Not in the sense that I have no more struggles with my past or with sin or myself or with others… I still fall down, I get discouraged, I get depressed, I get angry for the wrong reasons, I’m selfish in too many respects to count. I could go on for a long while about my faults.

But I have tasted that God is good in a way I didn’t think was possible and it gives me courage to go on. And recently I’ve learned the value of renewing my mind to start recognizing what happened to me that time and everything else that relates to this “new” life that I’ve been living since I was 14.